blog about my heroin addiction and recover

7th March 2014

Question

pizzaslutcatmaster asked: hey girl, i really like your blog! i read through the whole thing last night cause i was bored, and you seem really cool. that's awesome that you've managed to get clean. i really want to try but i need to find a reliable hook-up on suboxone :/

Hey, if you wanna pm me I have extra subutex I can sell you, I don’t take my full dose. I’m on my phone so I can’t private reply, but I understand how you feel. Id give em to you for free if I wasn’t in such a fucked up situation, but I’m willing to help best I can. This goes for anyone

27th February 2014

Post with 2 notes

i just counted my extra xanax because i don’t take prescribed dose every day, 6mg, because that’s just insane and I would build up a tolerance and it would never be useful, but often take more than that when I DO need it because I have a crazy high tolerance (I’m still physically dependent on them since I take temazepam to sleep at night)

and i deserve a fucking medal in self control, srsly. 

27th February 2014

Question reblogged from snake eyes and sissies with 1 note

doctor8 asked: wait.. how could you get into a fight with a catatonic woman? im confused

cottonshot:

I got into a fight with a schizophrenic, had a catatonic woman as my roommate, and also got into a fight with someone who was trying to shoot up my catatonic roommate. I’m not sure which psych ward post this references or how old this message is, but hopefully this clears that up? haha. also she wasn’t completely catatonic all the time, they took her off of some antipsychotic meds and she could speak to the nurses/me incoherently, but I never fought with her.

I also had many, many different roommates. I’ll try to scroll down and see what I was talking about to clear the actual situation up.

ooh are you talking about my most recent story? I changed roommates a lot of times, the average stay was 7-10 days, I was there twice that long. I had 6 total I think during my entire stay, if I remember correctly. Some people only stayed overnight, and rooms were switched around when new people came in because co-ed rooms weren’t allowed obviously. 

1: an older woman who was there for ??? but also was medically being assisted off of benzodiazapines. another patient told me she had been getting suboxone after she left though which made me flip out because I wanted suboxone. I knew her the least because I was so fucking sick I did NOT care IDR how many days I was with her, but she was there before me and I moved into her room.

2: Tiffani, the girl I was roommates with when I was there a month earlier, a schizophrenic she switched both into my room when my previous roommate left due to request put into the nursing staff bc they knew both of us, and switched out when she “turned on me” into another girl’s room on a Monday (Mondays are like mass release/intake day)

3: a random very overweight girl whose origin I had no idea because I left to go to the other ward a couple hours after she got in, she took Tiffani’s spot. I think she was in BC of suicidal ideation and depression, I listened to her talk on the phone, but she made it sound like she was going to be away for a long time and definitely packed for the occasion

4: Nancy, the catatonic/diagnosed schizophrenic was my new roommate over on the ultra crazy side that I transferred to after my fight with Tiffani. Nancy had a medical episode and was transferred to another wing of the hospital and when she transferred back, was in a different room than me.

5: Heart Valve girl, there for suicidal ideation psychiatric hold for the standard 72h

6: a girl that was there because of severe anxiety/depression and an eating disorder. She had a LOT of internal rage too, I don’t know what her official diagnoses were but those were the issues she spoke w me about. She also packed a lot of stuff like she was going to be there for a very long time and transferred from the intensive day program, she was my roommate until I left. We even transferred back to the regular ward together as roommates when Tiffani was released, though I only stayed for a few days back on the “normal ward” before getting transferred to rehab

27th February 2014

Post with 1 note

Final OD

ok so tumblr just let me know I had a shit ton of new messages and fanmails that must have been from a looooooooooooong time ago judging on the content, a couple of them noted that they missed my stories/posts so here is one. This has been touched upon briefly in past posts and some of the info will be repetitive if you’ve followed me, but this is basically the entire story of my last overdose. 

I mostly avoided talking about this before because I was pretty much in a 2 day blackout, but after speaking to other people that were involved and my memory coming back in flashes, here’s the entire story. This is going to get tagged unlike most of my posts because the negligence of the hospital (which I’m going to name) is fucking astounding. 

So. We were trying to quit (like always) and had been sick for idk how long. I was about to get my klonopin refill, and was looking forward to it to take the edge off my dopesickness. We had probably just enough suboxone to get us through. So I walk to the pharmacy, and I’m going to give myself a very generous low estimate of taking 10mg because there’s no other fucking way the rest of the story is plausible if I took more than that. I want to say i actually had ativan which would have meant a 140 count instead of 60, but i specifically remember them being green later. I’m going to assume that because I was really dopesick and hadn’t done benzos in a while, that that 10mg worked, because I don’t remember the rest of that day besides getting home and giving @ 6mg. so 16 out of 60 gone.

the next morning, for whatever reason, I had decided “fuck it” I don’t remember getting up, I don’t remember much. I convinced a kid who is a recreational benzo user and sometimes uses opiates to pick me up, give me money for benzos, and drive me to get heroin. I have a VERY vague recollection of being in his car because I remember explaining as part of the deal that I needed 20$ in cash to buy suboxone, but that I was going to hold onto the rest of the benzos, just in case I COULDN’T get suboxone, because I would need them. That was probably the most truthful thing I told him.

I have no idea what sorcery level manipulation I used on him, because I had 20 klon still left in my bottle, and had convinced him to give me enough money to purchase 4 BAGS OF HEROIN. For those of you who do not dabble in both drugs or are in another area a bag here is $40 (.3 ish, depending on dealer of gunpowder usually) , 40 - 16 benzos =/= 4 bags of heroin. 

I do remember distinctly getting home, waking up @ with the 3 bags in my hand, saying I also had $20 for suboxone so we could re-detox, and that i still had a 3rd of my prescription. Again, I have no idea what devil magic I told this kid (who isn’t that stupid, he’s bought benzos from me before, he buys them from others all the time, and knew I was getting heroin with it, that picture on my other tumblr of my knees that has 30k notes or whatever? I took that while i was with him and waiting to pick up (NOT DURING THIS, before. I ODed in his car a previous time. if it was during this that pic wouldn’t have been uploaded until after I got out). He knows. He knows not to trust me, knows I lie through my teeth, he knows what things are worth) I really wish I knew what I said to have procured 4 fucking bags out of that situation, but somehow i did.

more blackout. We have a couple friends, one of whom is on suboxone but will relapse every 3 months like clockwork, and his boyfriend, who will either use with him or sometimes ask @ or i to help him pick up during random times. He is a chipper and has a chipping level tolerance. Blackout Blackout Blackout, I had already done so much fucking heroin that day and any time I use benzos withtin 24 hours of using dope, I usually immediately OD but hadn’t that day. Anyway, I personally do not remember this, but it was filled in that this friend wanted to pick up so me, @ and the third part of our group S, were helping him.

@ and I were already really really fucking high the entire fucking day, but my memory comes right back in at this moment and remember him locking himself in the bathroom with all our dope and coming out and telling us, so high, that he had already given us our shots which he hadn’t (apparently S had gotten hers, he just didn’t give me and chipper kid OURS, S got hers beforehand somehow so she tells me). Locking himself/nodding out with other peoples’ shots in his hand was common and all 3 of us were constantly infuriated at him for doing it. Well mostly S and I, the chipper kid wasn’t around him terribly often but he still did it a lot. we left his high ass at my apartment and went to go get more. Apparently in S’s car we all decided we were done with @ and that was the last straw, and taking dope from us was just too fucked up, and just sat in the car waiting for drugs infuriated at him so he was not present for aaaaaany of the rest of this. He called when I was in the psych unit later to break up with me over the phone (took it back the next day) 

chipping kid randomly produced a SHIT TON more money and spent A LOT on drugs, I threw down the $20 I had for suboxone to get another shot. Also don’t remember this. Went back to S’s apartment, and apparently chip kid got nice and high and then told us that he was good and that we could keep the rest. She says now she doesn’t remember how much it was, but it was a lot. I had done my 20$ shot out of it. I do remember vaguely being there, I actually remember her handing me a syringe, but she said she just handed me a spoon with shit in it and I shot myself up. Anyway, she asked if the amt was ok,  I was already in outer space, and even though she’s normally very careful and very concerned if I OD or not, I hadn’t told her how much I had actually had that day, and she also had no idea I had fucked with benzos recently (knowledge which will make S and @ both withhold heroin from me so I usually left it out anyway), anyway, the shot/amt she gave me to shoot up was the final straw. It might have been a lot, I really don’t remember, I don’t remember chip kid saying we could have it, I have no idea if it was a dumb amount to take or it just pushed me over the edge, I really don’t know. It wasn’t her fault, obviously, at all, she had no idea how high I was and how much I had had, only knew that I wasn’t sick and had picked up previously in the morning already.

I came to during initial narcan injection for long enough to realize I was shirtless (they were in the process of changing it and I later learned it was because I was wet and they had doused me in cold water trying to wake me up) and I told them to go to United hospital, which was where I was for my last overdose, despite the fact it was one city over. This, sealed my fate. I could have said any other fucking hospital besides that one. The logic at the time was that I didn’t want to go to HCMC, because HCMC told me if I showed up again for another overdose they would “take me to rehab in handcuffs”

I went to the ER but was transferred to the ICU because they were having trouble keeping me alive. Do not know specifics, I remember being told it was due to my blood pressure dropping to dangerous levels (later after I was conscious. I was unconscious for all of this apparently getting multiple narcan shots. I still never really asked what apparently was almost killing me, and during my dopesick state the answer of “blood pressure too low” was ok. idk. idk why I kept almost dying, I really don’t). I was hand and leg cuffed to the bed and they were doing all sorts of fucking shit to me. they told me I flatlined a couple times. A psychiatrist was called down to make sure it wasn’t suicide related, and the Dr in question happened to be the same Dr that had released me from the psychiatric unit about a month prior. I didn’t recognize him at the time or know this until later. As a catheter was being jammed up me, he hovered over me and asked if he thought I would be better off dead. I remember about 90 seconds of being in the hospital and it was A LOT of people moving around and doing things to me frantically, and that Dr standing over me and questioning me. I especially remember the catheter. that fucking SUCKED and was SO FUCKING PAINFUL. I think they woke me up just to talk to him.

Snarkily I said, “right now, yeah,” and got an oxygen mask re-strapped to my face. This, apparently, was enough to re-land me in the psych ward. “suicidal ideation,” folks. Sarcasm is not noted. I do not remember anything after this besides S laying with me in my hospital bed later after I had “stable” (again, I don’t really understand what they did or why i was in such imminent danger) hooked up to shit (saline, assuming) and us murmuring that we were going to “stop after this” and a nurse yelling at her for laying in bed with me. 

I woke up in the ICU room alone, only able to determine it was an ICU room because of how different it looked from an ER room. I was by myself and confused. I had an IV in my arm but it wasn’t connected to anything, just a tube which I’m assuming they left in my arm because it had been so hard to find a vein (amateurs). I was still wearing my bra for some reason. my memory has it that I was wearing my pants as well, but this seems impossible? They might have given them back to me after I was ok or something, I really remember wearing pants speficially and digging in the pockets but this makes no sense. I WAS also wearing shoes though. After I got stable during the night, they might have given everything back to me about to release me then learned about my psychiatric hold is literally the only thing I can think of that would make this circumstance and the following one remotely valid. I waited for someone on staff to come in and check on me, but no one did for a few minutes, so I got up, not being connected to anything.I noticed that there was a cabinet in the room and I looked in it, curious, only to find it empty besides MY FUCKING BACKPACK.

being lucid for the first time in days, I wonder what the hell was even in it, and why they didn’t take it away from me (especially because I was allegedly on suicide watch, which I didn’t know at the time) I opened it up and was immediately greeted by my prescription bottles of klonopin and ambien. YEAH. THEY NOT ONLY DIDN’T TAKE AWAY MY STUFF BUT THEY DIDN’T EVEN LOOK THROUGH IT. A wave of memory hit me in the face and I had one of those “wait a minute” moments, dug for my wallet, opened it, and sure enough there was the half bag of heroin that I didn’t do all of in that kids car. 

I CANNOT FUCKING MAKE THIS SHIT UP. I was like “omfg” and looked around the room, to my further delight all the fucking drawers were unlocked and it took me a couple tries to find a screw on syringe cap that fit the one in my arm, but I did, and I mixed the heroin with water and it dissolved (couldn’t cook it obv) in a cup of water they had left me, and CAREFULLY screwed it onto my arm and into the iv that was already running through my main vein in my arm. Shot didn’t get me high, but I didn’t expect it to given how much I had done the previous day. I immediately swallowed 10 klonopin and put the rest in my bra, then realized that was probably stupid and took them all. 

waited for staff. 

Someone finally came in to tell me I was on a psychiatric hold and was being transferred to the unit, by this time I was blurred out as fuck and VERY unhappy about this. I remember taking the shoelaces out of my boots and throwing them at the people moving my bed going “WELL, WON’T BE ALLOWED TO HAVE THESE ANYMORE (was clearly slurring my words like an idiot)” I got brought upstairs and a few hours later someone came to wake up my passed out ass asking why there was a discarded syringe (there were actually 3, I opened 3, but whatever) in my ICU room, to which my response was “PSSH, I don’t know.”

again, the only explanation I can surmise is that the ICU room was ready to have me discharged and I had all my things back and put back on without remembering it, but during paperwork learned that I was on a psych hold and because I wasn’t in the ER had to go up to the psych UNIT to finish out the hold. I definitely had my shoes on, I definitely had my bra and other things I wouldn’t have had in the ER. or maybe the Dr was deciding whether to put me upstairs or let me go, and they knew they had to check with him and that’s what they were doing because the timing on the hold was in the afternoon and this OD happened while it was dark out (i’m pretty sure? I don’t know for sure)

while in the psych unit, I had heroin snuck in twice, IN A SYRINGE (apparently those shitty metal detectors won’t detect that small amount of metal), and the only reason they found out was my schizo roommate told on me later. I would elaborate on those stories, but maybe another time. Anyway, long story short, I detoxed with a methadone taper of 30mg one day, then 20, then 10 then nothing. Well, not NOTHING, a bunch of useless shit like klonidine and like 20 other things, but no bupe. I managed to convince them that i was physically addicted to benzos due to the empty bottle I had and got a phenobarb taper though, which helped a little bit.  I never saw the ambien again, when I was finally released they only gave me the empty klonopin bottle. The Dr I had “nullified” all my active scripts so they probably destroyed it. I was there for 23 days total. It was technically voluntary, but was warned serveral times that if I tried to leave a commitment hearing would take place for rehab, which I would have lost, so I opted to keep it “voluntary” and off my record. Being a ward of the state didn’t sound very appealing.

anyway, that’s how much of a joke the security at United is. The not taking my stuff is one thing, but having a fucking unlocked drawer of syringes (they didn’t have needle points, it just screwed directly in my arm so I guess if I hadn’t had that in there I would have been SOL. I might have had a rig in my bag, I stopped looking through it once I found the drugs) and the fact that no one on staff walked in on me doing this when I was supposed to be on suicide watch just fucking floors me. 

this kinda takes the cake with everything that happened to me, just because I CANNOT believe how stupid that hospital is and the story sounds completely made up and it sucks because no one believes the hospital would be that negligent but they were and it still blows my fucking mind. I eventually told them I did this and the staff got really embarrassed. When I snuck dope into the unit, they searched me/my room “thoroughly”, but during the entire time I was thinking about all the thousands of places I could have hidden the drugs that they didn’t check since it wasn’t officers, just the nurses. They asked me “are there any drugs in this room” (the head nurse was really disappointed in me since she really liked me I was like “nooo, I would have done them, I swear. I wouldn’t just keep them, geez, I did them all immediately.” they didn’t like that answer.  

Tagged: heroinheroin overdosepsych wardjunkie

27th February 2014

Question with 1 note

doctor8 asked: wait.. how could you get into a fight with a catatonic woman? im confused

I got into a fight with a schizophrenic, had a catatonic woman as my roommate, and also got into a fight with someone who was trying to shoot up my catatonic roommate. I’m not sure which psych ward post this references or how old this message is, but hopefully this clears that up? haha. also she wasn’t completely catatonic all the time, they took her off of some antipsychotic meds and she could speak to the nurses/me incoherently, but I never fought with her.

I also had many, many different roommates. I’ll try to scroll down and see what I was talking about to clear the actual situation up.

27th February 2014

Question

dopegirlproblems asked: I like ur URL. It always interests me how many phrases there are the go with drug use that non hard drug users will never utter, and cotton shot is my favorite of them. Assonance I guess.

I’ve always wanted to use it as a title for something haha…I also made a stencil with the phrase “Use Once And Destroy BD” which you would only understand if you’ve looked at a rig (though not all of them have them? I actually just looked at all my rigs recently and none of them say it)

27th February 2014

Question with 1 note

steam-powered-jetskis asked: I honestly thought you were dead, it kinda scared me

I’m sorry haha I was definitely held against my will for 2 months. I don’t know how old this message is because tumblr just sent me a bunch of ones at once that had to have been from a long time ago. 

27th February 2014

Question

mt84404 asked: Just so you know, regarding the post questioning whether anyone would miss you, I literally was just thinking about you yesterday. So yes, I've missed you. Tell us your stories.

I’m literally just now getting a shit ton of messages that I assume were from a long time ago. 

<3

19th February 2014

Post

also I have some $ubutex, msg me

19th February 2014

Post with 3 notes

Yo

So, I’ve been hella neglecting this blog since I got out of rehab. This is not because I haven’t been doing dope, because I have, my life just doesn’t revolve around it anymore and I have an unlimited free amt of subutex to take so the heroin never makes me feel trapped….honestly the actual drug has lost its magic w me and I don’t really crave heroin specifically as much as I crave the entire experience of going and getting it if that makes sense? Anyways, we have acquired a new dealer and he’s a pretty funny dude. I should update this more. Here’s a story from the psych ward:

When you get in, your bathroom door is locked and you need to ask staff if you can use the bathroom and they stand outside when you do. There are two people to a room, so invariably unless two new people come in at once, your roommate will be pissed at your existence and beg you to “get on co as soon as possible” ie, talk to a psychiatrist and have them put in orders to have the door unlocked.

I was in heroin wd, so, as you all know, showers are FUCKING PRECIOUS and I needed to take them every 15 minutes. Average stay at the psych unit I was at was 7 to 10 days since meds were usually figured out by then in episodes, or the very very crazy with no hope were sent up to Anoka. The work Anoka here means “forever psych ward” “prison” and “junkie town.” My sub dr operates out of Anoka. Anyway. I stayed for 23 days total, so the staff obviously got to know me well. There were others that stayed just as long or longer, but that was because they were nutso and receiving ect treatment, not cause they were waiting for a bed in rehab like I was so eventually, over time, the staff sorta just treated me normally and not like a “patient” and would get pissy with me if I chose to be snotty and have a “patient-like” meltdown.

They and I both forgot I actually do have a mental illness and am actually prone to those and they thought I was faking, but being in a psych ward makes you….pretty crazy. It’s hard. There were two units, 5900 and 5920, 20 was the “best of” ie most crazy. Sometimes 00 would be full so someone would have to stay the night in 20 then be transferred.

I got into a fight with my roommate in 00, who had also been my roommate the last time I was in the psych unit about a month before and got asked to be transferred to 20. My dr was hesitant to do this, reminded me how violent it was over there (DESPITE THE ONLY CODE GREENS HAPPENING HAPPENED ON 5900 AFTER I LEFT) and how I wouldn’t fit in and they separate the diagnoses on purpose. I said I was sure, because a group of like 4 crazy ppl would stand outside my door while I was dopesick talking shit and threatening to hurt me and I was fucking dopesick and tired of playing high school (it was all seriously high school)

Anyway one day my roommate nancy, who was an elderly schizophrenic catatonic woman was transferred to the icu. I was relieved because her dr was an idiot (dr guth I hate u) and overly sedated her and I had to listen while her daughter visited and it was just really sad and weird but anyway there were always people in there doing shit with x rays and ekg machines so I spent most of my time in the main room w everyone else instead of curled up in bed like I wanted, and at like 5am I was actually sleeping (really. Fucking. Rare. Despite the intense amt of sleeping pills I got I was always awake, y’all dope addicts are no strangers to this) and woken up to my bathroom door being locked and my new roommate getting her vitals done and given a shit ton of diluadid.

I, of course being a fucking brat, went up to the desk and demanded my morning meds since it was their fault they woke me up and asked whose bright idea it was to stick someone with a sedating dose of opiates in a room with someone in heroin wd and only on klonidine for it.

Front desk lady who never put up w my shit ever just read my vitals and was like “you’re the only person she can handle here, be nice to her and have a talk and you’ll see why. And shut the hell up, you know half the patients would straight up kill you if they knew how much phenobarbitol you on. Swallow.”

So, after I got over being pissed, I did talk to her. Her name was amanda and she had a fucking mechanical heart valve. It was insane. She wasn’t expected to live past a young age and she resented her family for treating her like a fragile porcelain doll. She was really small and heroin chic pretty and she said she had a modeling contract but I don’t take anything anyone says in there seriously, but she was really gorgeous, in an “I’m obviously sick” way though…she talked about not being allowed to try drugs that fuck up your heart rate. I asked why she was on heavy opiates then, and she said she always had been so she was used to it and the pain was unbearable otherwise.

She remembered when she first got the surgery and went back to school they were taking a test and the room was obv quiet except you could hear her mechanical heart valve and no one could figure out what it was and she like fled the room and hid in the bathroom crying. It was true that you could hear it very distinctly in a quiet room and she let me put my hand over it to feel it.

It was just really weird, we talked a lot but she got released very quickly, I don’t know why she was initially admitted besides her family’s insistence and I also heard her tell someone on the phone that she hadn’t been drinking (totes lie, def had) but I really don’t know much about the fit that got her in. She couldn’t handle “exercise group” (ie literally walking in a circle) and loud, sudden things were bad for her to be around.

They were prob right in that I was the only person she could have possibly roomed with, but even I was a snotty little BRAT that early on into my detox, I’m surprised they didn’t put her in the single cuz people flip out and yell and throw shit constantly.

Anyway I was really happy to meet her, her story was really interesting, how there was no way in hell she should be alive and how she’s this fragile little bird but just wants to be treated like an adult. I saw a lot of people come and go but she made one of the biggest impressions on me…just her demeanor and everything, we talked in our room basically the whole day.

Her dr was my dr so when he came in to grab her I was just like “DR T PLEASE PUT HER ON CO RN” and the nurse like immediately did it so my bathroom wasn’t even locked that long :D

Every day there felt like a month.